Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Tribes clash as Planet Football nearly hits self-destruct button

This scene of violence left many in histerics as the stupidity of football reached another level

In front of large crowds, the Magpie-men faced the Tiger-men in a brawl resembling a football match at the KC Circus on Saturday. As part of the weekly fixtures on Planet Football, the two tribes were due to face one another in the league. In a tense moment of masculine shouting and bewilderment, an aged, tribe leader sent a low-flying head-butt at another primitive following a scuffle on the edge of the play area. Thankfully, the two involved were restrained before they could do any more damage to each other. All of the paying visitors who had travelled via sky shuttle from earth for the encounter were stunned.

The natives of Planet Football call the elder tribesman Par-dew (pronounced tit-face), which, when derived from caveman-like grunts, can be translated into ‘butter of heads’; his rival, the so-called Mey-ler of the opposition tribe, has had his named translated into ‘strong pushing warrior’ by the panel of experts here on planet earth. Therefore, it was no surprise that the two clashed (heads) when meeting in such a tense affair.

Par-dew, the silver-haired, ageing leader of the tribe namedNewest Castle from the north-east of the neighbouring Planet Football, has become an infamous character over the last few years since his introduction to the planet by footballentologists and well-trained football enthusiasts. Beforehand, he had previously headed other tribes on Planet Football, including the tribe south of Hampton as well as the most westerly of Ham tribes. He spent further spells at the tribe which is famous for enjoying reading – their intimidating war colours are blue and white.

The fact that he has been around a fair amount means that Par-dew has not yet been able to truly settle in with a tribe yet as he is often known for causing controversy with other members or leaders of other tribes; his most infamous spat was with Wen-ger, the old but seemingly foolish leader of a tribe with much weaponry. Par-dew shows little fear, however his actions are often interpreted as rather stupid and extremely primitive – many other tribe leaders on Planet Football enjoy laughing at his behaviour.

The silver-haired leader has many traits, not many of which however can be deemed as positive. A list, named Twitter, written by the public of earth who enjoy observing Planet Football’s drama, concluded thus about Par-dew:

  • He talks shite, and frequently
  • His eye-goggles are horrific
  • He looks suspiciously like a pigeon, not a magpie at all
  • He is “not a nice” tribesman
  • He should be removed from the NewestCastle very soon
All of the above are rather accurate and culminated after reality show Battle of the Day, broadcast on the National Geographic Channel and narrated by David Attenborough, showed footage of the head-butt on Saturday night. Many viewers phoned in appalled at this extreme violence; retired tribesmanShea-rer was rumoured to have written a formal letter of complaint in his best handwriting to complain that his colleagues should not be presented in this terrible manner. However, this remains unconfirmed.

On Battle of the Day, Par-dew was in fact interviewed by a very brave man with a butt-proof microphone. The man was given an especially protective riot helmet, which had been loaned from the inhabitants of planet Ukraine. The interviewer did try hard to gain some answers from the Newest Castleleader, although nothing creditable was recorded, unfortunately.

Much of what occurred on Saturday is lamentable and will act as a learning curve for all involved. Mey-ler is thought to be doing well if a little shaken up. It is worth noting that he did actually push Par-dew first, but footballentologists point out that neither tribesman can take the moral high-ground. The Footballentologist Association, or the FA for short, charged Par-dew on Monday evening with Improper Tribesmanship – he has also been fined 100,000 rocks and berries.

It is unclear whether Par-dew will remain as tribe leader of the Newest Castle after the match with the Tiger-men on Saturday, as it is rumoured that the audience of Battle of the Day will vote to have him evicted from our neighbouring planet. However, with his future being undecided so far, there is nothing else to do but see what next week brings. Planet Football, however, after a concerning weekend of antics involving further counts of violence, plus the tribesman-hunt for Moyes the Uncertain, is enduring some unrest and is causing some concern with the civilisation on earth of late. Hopefully, for the sake of us all, things will begin to turn around soon.

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